Three Italian nuns die and go to
heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that
I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be
anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and
*poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof*
she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that
name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and
hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts
laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister,
the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was
laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
There were these three farmers
that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the
largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork
in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the
fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to
be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey
and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week
or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with
the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did
what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for
a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they
got home, they realized they still had to take the cork
out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out
of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the
pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the
hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The
reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing
you remember?" "Shit flying everywhere," the farmer
replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same
question and got the same response. When she got to the
third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he
started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?"
The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the
look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the
cork back in."
A fellow went off on his
honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend
for a beer and conversation. The friend, being single
and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the
festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man,
did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend
asks. Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like
to fish. So I just fished." His friend gasps. "You mean
you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got
a blowjob!" Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had
pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish."
His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife!
She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just
made her do it!" Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea,
and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished." His
friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya
just pork it up her ass?" "Well," says Bob, "she had
diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just
fished." His friend, totally exasperated by this point,
shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch
anyway?!" Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you
know how I like to fish..." |
